


a moment of weakness

by n7punk



Series: traces - miniseries [2]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25391434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n7punk/pseuds/n7punk
Summary: “Did you ever find the claw marks?” Catra asks, barely a whisper in the dark night.Her curiosity gets the better of her and Catra admits her greatest moment of weakness, and one of her biggest regrets.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: traces - miniseries [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1838947
Comments: 10
Kudos: 313





	a moment of weakness

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely self-indulgent. So self-indulgent, in fact, that I haven’t posted it despite writing it on the same day as “documentation of the perils of women.” But what the hell, I wrote it so you can have it. You should read part 1 first because this isn’t as good if you don’t, but it is still totally comprehensible without it.  
> This came from how much I loved all those fics where Catra would sneak into Bright Moon to visit Adora throughout the show back before season five came out and we got canon catradora. I wanted to try to do one that would fit within the show’s canon even if it isn’t actually part of my personal canon/ficverse.

It is late, must be nearing midnight now, and it has been a heavy day of rebuilding. Still, when they had returned to their room together, both Catra and Adora had an anxious energy humming beneath their skin that had prevented either of them from seeking sleep. The weight of rebuilding the world hung over Adora, while the burden of what Catra had done to it needled at her, so the two had tried to work their energy out in a careful spar, circling each other slowly, never clashing too heavily. Despite both enjoying when they could really _dance_ together like that, they aren’t ready to push themselves to that kind of contact again for the night. Still, it seems to do the trick after an hour or two, and they find themselves settled in their bed with a pleasant ache in their bodies.

Catra leans against the wall, Adora’s head in her lap as she plays with her hair. Draped across Adora’s lap, Melog dozes peacefully, rumbling slightly in either a purr or a snore. Adora’s eyes are open, but she is only barely awake. Catra can feel sleep tugging at her own limbs, but she wants to stay awake as long as Adora does, enjoying carding her fingers through blonde hair as she stares down at her girlfriend. Despite the hour, and the exhaustion, and the fact she should learn to _let things go_ , from where she lounges Catra can see Adora’s stupid big balcony, and a question gnaws at the corners of her mind.

She glances down at Adora again. Her eyes are only open by a fraction, her breathing evening out. She will be asleep in a few moments. If Catra wants to ask without disturbing her, this will be her last chance. The fact that Adora will probably dismiss it, if she even remembers, only acts as a bonus to spurring Catra into action.

“Did you ever find the claw marks?” she asks, barely a whisper in the dark night. Adora’s eyes don’t open, but she gives an inquisitive sound and a twitch.

“Huh?” she adds, softly, and Catra takes that as a _no_.

“Never mind. Go to sleep, love,” she assures her, leaning forward to press a kiss to the blonde’s forehead before slumping down to get more comfortable herself.

She should have known that would not be the end of it.

\--

To Adora’s credit, she is patient. It is not until the next week that she waits to strike. Catra is sprawled out on her stomach on the bed, head pillowed on one of her arms and a gentle purr rumbling through her. It is evening, dark enough for the sun to be set but not quite late enough for sleep, and she is stretched out in just a little pair of shorts and the ripped crop top she made of Adora’s old shirt. The perfect outfit for providing access to the soothing pets and occasional scratches down her back Adora is providing her. Occasionally, Adora will hum a noise to herself above Catra. Catra knows that means she is thinking, a discussion taking place in her mind, but she is perfectly content to wait it out until Adora has found the words she is looking for. Absently, she scratches between Melog’s ears with her free arm.

“So, honesty, Catra,” Adora finally starts. There is nothing accusatory in her voice, just cautious curiosity. Catra forces her body not to tense, merely flicks an ear in Adora’s direction in acknowledgement. _Honesty_ was the first and primary task on her list for self-improvement. Both for her sake and the sake of those around her. She has spent to long lashing out instead of acknowledging her emotions.

“You asked me something awhile ago. And it kind of seemed like you didn’t want me to know about it? Which makes me think it was kind of important,” Adora tries, petting stilled but hand still twitching nervously between Catra’s shoulder blades. Catra takes a breath, steels herself, and turns onto her back to look up at Adora. She has that adorable pinched expression she gets when she is kind of nervous, worrying at her bottom lip between her teeth.

“What are you talking about, Adora?” Catra asks, because she truly does not know what Adora is referring to. Adora lets out a sigh, meeting her eyes for a moment before looking away. Catra realizes she is taking a moment to catalogue Melog’s state – still a calm blue, though they watch with alert eyes – before she looks back at Catra.

“When I was falling asleep a few days ago, you asked me something about claw marks? And then you dismissed it really fast, but the fact that you waited until I was almost unconscious to ask… I just thought… I don’t know,” she finally gives up, shrugging. Catra blinks up at her slowly.

“You took this long and you came up with that?” she asks, joking to cut the tension, because yeah, they are finally going to have to talk about this. Adora huffs, her loose hair blowing up and away from her face before she looks back down at Catra.

“Look, it’s not always easy to come up with something that I don’t think sounds accusatory or will make you want to run,” Adora admits, because they have at least gotten to the point where they can discuss _running_ , something both of them are very good at and yet terrified of. Catra twitches her tail in response, gaze wandering away from Adora and out to the balcony.

“I wasn’t… waiting to strike, or whatever. I just couldn’t bring myself to ask until then. Though I wasn’t opposed to you forgetting about it,” Catra admits, reaching up to Adora’s shoulders. She grabs hold, uses them to pull herself up to a sitting position. After a moments’ hesitation she curls herself up against Adora’s chest. Adora seems to let out a sigh of relief – at the contact or the words, Catra does not know, but she can guess. It is silent for several minutes before Catra brings herself to speak.

“So? Did you ever find the claw marks?” she asks, finally. Adora gives a startled laugh.

“Catra, you have probably left claw marks in half the places you have been. You’re going to have to be more specific,” Adora admonishes, but her voice is warm, bubbly. Catra lets it wash over her, a momentary consolation for the conversation that is about to take place.

“On your balcony,” she clarifies. There is a moment where everything seems fine. Then, she feels Adora’s arms tighten around her, stiffening as the other girl lets out a soft “ _Oh._ ” She turns to look out to the balcony, eyes zeroing in on the railing. Even Catra can’t see the scrapes located there from this distance, but she feels her tail lashing beneath her at the confirmation that yes, Adora does know what she is talking about.

It is silent for several long moments before Adora turns to look at her again with shining eyes.

“You came to visit me. Before,” she whispers, voice reverent and disbelieving. Catra winces, unable to take that soft, vulnerable expression in the face of her failure. She stares blindly down at the sheets, feeling her hands curl to fists.

Adora touches her cheek lightly, turning her back to face her. Catra’s breath leaves her at the shining _love_ in Adora’s face. It is worse than any of the ways Catra imagined this conversation going – Adora taking it as a sign of anything positive rather than the guilt that weighs down the memory.

“It wasn’t that nice, Princess,” Catra whispers, guilty omission causing her shoulders to slump. “I- If we’re going to do this I need-“ she cuts off with a growl, wrapping her arms around herself.

“Anything you need, Catra. It doesn’t have to hurt more than it already does,” Adora assures her. The kindness makes Catra want to lash out with biting words, but instead she merely nods numbly.

Getting better. Progress, however small.

Carefully, she extracts herself from Adora’s arms. Adora lets her go, but her expression is clearly concerned. Catra turns around, facing away from her as she settles back into Adora’s lap again, this time with her back pressed to Adora’s front. Adora understands immediately, bringing her arms up to cradle her, knees raising to bracket either side of her. Catra is surrounded by Adora’s limbs, scent, breath, heartbeat, and it makes it easier to breathe and force the story forward. At the same time, she is far too scared to watch Adora’s expression as she finally admits the truth.

“I don’t know when it was, exactly. Days were running into weeks at that point,” she starts.

\--

Catra hasn’t slept through a full night since the portal. She hardly returns to her room except to wash up, and even that she only does as often as strictly necessary to keep from bothering her own sensitive nose.

Sleep invites nightmares and memories. Showers invite wandering thoughts and downward spirals. Catra resorts to short naps in scattered locations, curled up hidden away behind objects or in high places with none of the comforts of a bunk, blanket, or pillow. She doesn’t need comfort – she needs to recharge enough to keep functioning and push the mission forward.

They are close. She can feel it. Putting a spy in the Rebellion is the best idea she has ever had. They are scrambling, she is _winning_ , it could be any day now that Horde Prime finally answers their call. Adora’s little friends have lost. They are _not enough_ against her.

The short naps work for a while, but eventually even they become plagued with nightmares too. Catra decides to forgo sleep entirely. She cannot afford to get weighed down by these _visions_ , this guilt-

No. Catra does not feel guilty. Shame is not an emotion for her. She just needs to win. She is so close now, she is –

She is breaking.

The final straw is when she passes out in the middle of reviewing field reports. Forgoing purposeful sleep has not stopped her body’s requirement for rest – she just keeps running it ragged until unconsciousness takes her, too tired for the nightmares to plague her. But like all things in her life, even this fails her eventually.

\--

“I… I dreamed of Entrapta. Stuck out there, on Beast Island, being torn apart by monsters. And then the dream shifted and you were there, in Hordak’s throne, and you were… sentencing me. After the war. You read off a list of my crimes. Adora, the list was so _long_ ,” Catra gasps, her throat so tight the words barely manage to escape. “And then you finally stopped reading, and you sentenced me to death on Beast Island. And you know what happened when you sent me there, Adora?” Catra asks. Adora does not respond, not verbally. Her arms just tighten around Catra, in question and support. Catra wants to turn to bury her face in Adora’s neck but cannot bear to face her. Even now, a year later, she cannot get the cold, emotionless expression of Dream Adora’s face out of her mind.

“Nothing attacked me,” she whispers, tears finally falling. “Because I was home. I belonged with the beasts. And eventually, when the next transport of traitors came, I joined them. Joined the beasts. _I_ ended up being the one who finally killed Entrapta. And it- the dream wasn’t wrong, Adora,” Catra finally confesses, pressing a hand to her mouth to push down the words threatening to spill forth, as if that will help slow the tide of tears.

\--

Catra startles awake falling. She had been slumped against the table – now she sprawls across the floor. She is hyperventilating. She cannot control her body, cannot stop the gasping breath and tears. She ends up curled in a ball, like a little kid all over again, hidden under the table. She does not know how long she lays there – time hasn’t felt real for a long time now.

Eventually, the gasps stop, the tears stop, and she is empty. All she can see is the dead, cold expression on Adora’s face as she had looked through her and seen only her failures and mistakes.

Catra never decides to stand. She never commands her feet to move. She does not even remember leaving the room – hardly remembers leaving the Fright Zone. She remembers, distantly, an eerie walk through the Whispering Woods where the trees seemed to part for her, leading her easily to her goal for the first time ever. Like they wanted her to go.

She has a moment of clarity when she stares out from the tree line at Bright Moon Castle. The sight of the pale palace, gleaming even in the dead of night, stirs something deep in her gut. An emotion, any emotion after so much numbness, and all she can do is chase it.

She slinks through the castle grounds, scales the side of the palace with a shaky grip and digging claws. She knows Adora, knows she will be somewhere high up if she can help it. She doesn’t know what she is doing here, she just knows she needs to _see_ her.

Catra finds her way to a balcony. Peers in to find an empty bedroom. Keeps moving. A study. Worthless. She moves on.

She works her way around the exterior of the castle like that, leaping and scaling from balconies to windows, silent but for her ragged breathing and scratching claws. She has been far stealthier in the past – she could easily get caught with this performance if anyone were awake to see her. She does not worry about it – nothing much matters to her.

She just _knows_ when she reaches Adora’s balcony. It is like she can feel her, feet away and dozing peacefully. The logical explanation is She-ra radiating some stupid energy she can pick up even from here – the truth is Catra could pick up Adora’s scent with the slightest trace, and when she finds it, her whole body starts shaking. She has to grip the railing where she perches tighter, shakes threatening to send her tumbling backwards as her claws dig in desperately. It would not be so bad, she thinks distantly. If they ever found her body, they would assume she went out trying to assassinate Adora, not desperately staring at the other girl like a lovesick teenager.

Catra can barely make out her sleeping form from the balcony. She is surrounded by a canopy, falling gracefully from the ceiling and obscuring most of her bed. Tactically, it is a fucking mistake. Catra kind of wants to rip it down if only so she can see the other girl’s sleeping face. As it is, the fabric parts to show her bare shoulders, a pale arm thrown over a stomach covered by bunching sheets, and dark shorts stopping short of muscular thighs before the canopy envelopes the end of the bed as well.

She came here, she thinks, to replace the image of Dream Adora’s cruel expression with the peaceful one she remembers from their days sleeping together in the same bunk. Now she is here, however, all she can do is dig her claws deeper into the railing - the fear of approaching the bed and finding that bitter expression waiting for her paralyzes her.

\--

“It… It hurts to think about. Not even because of how much pain I was in, but because I was so _close_ to giving up in that moment. To giving in to you. And I didn’t. I… I went crawling back to the Horde. Like I always did,” Catra scoffs. Her tail is lashing beneath her, ears flat to her head, but Adora cradles her close like she is something precious.

“You’re here now. You’re _you_ , now. I… I hate it, but I wouldn’t give anything to change things, because we might not have ended up here, together, if we didn’t go through all that shit first,” Adora tells her in a whisper, crushing her in an embrace so tight Catra can hardly breathe. She never wants it to stop.

Her tears litter Adora’s arms. She feels a little numb from the memory of how empty she was then. Distantly, she is aware of Melog pressing their head against her side.

 _Adora’s right,_ is the thought that floats forward, from her or Melog, she does not know. _You are here now, and you could not have arrived at a happier ending_.

“I- I just wish… wish we didn’t have these moments in our past, waiting for us,” Catra stammers as she gasps for breath.

“We have each other. We can face anything together, even our pasts. Or did you miss the part where we beat a seemingly all-powerful, ancient dictator together?” Adora assures her, nuzzling closer against her ear. Her breaths are shaky against Catra’s back, but Catra does not doubt her conviction for a moment. Melog trills in agreement.

 _We may never have met_ , they assure her.

Catra draws a shaky breath, turning to finally face Adora and clutch her back.

“Thank you,” she breathes, shaking.

“I love you,” Adora assures her in return.

**Author's Note:**

> This turned out super angsty, but I couldn’t put it out of my head, so here you go. No, I don’t think this fits very well into canon, despite technically being compliant, so I won’t put it in my main She-ra series, but it was still fun to explore.  
> Also, if you want to know more about Catra’s list of “tasks”, I explain it in “implications” and “written word”, but the long and short is it is a therapy thing where she has three things she is trying to achieve within herself as part of her journey towards being a better person/friend and making penance. So when someone reminds her “Honesty” it means we’re about to have a fucking Talk so brace yourself to be vulnerable for a few minutes.


End file.
